I started writing an entirely different entry last night, but I think I’ll change gears from it a bit.
I’m going to write about these three things that bother me. I wonder if they bother anyone else. I know this differs from my usual content, it’s targeted less at anxious/agoraphobic people and more at other people entirely. But I guess it relates. Cause it’s difficult to deal with them when you have anxiety, anyway.
First is hatred and self satisfaction. Two things I have alot of experience with. I used to be very cold, uncaring, uncouth and, well, downright mean. I’m trying to fix that in myself because I don’t want to live in this rut of excessive fear and worry and negativity forever.
It costs almost nothing to say a kind thing. A few moments of time. Time is irrelevant. If you can make someone else feel better, isn’t that worth a couple seconds?
This society we live in is so cold to each other. Belligerent and ignorant. Although I believe oneself should come first, recently I woke up and found out there are (maybe) things worth fighting for, or at least the ideals of which. There is no productivity in hate. There’s no gains to be had, or not much of anything besides you feel like shit and you’re probably making someone else feel like shit too.
Living a life of hurting people, hating things. Entitlement and greed. I always thought it’s how I’m expected to feel. How I’m expected to think. What is that worth in the end? Old, bitter. Out of time and out of luck. Well, that’s how I feel about myself some (most) days.
Well. I’m sick of being expected to be a douchebag. I’m sick of thinking I’m one. And it’s difficult, but I’m trying to change that. The preconceptions of others on me. The perception of my own self. Positive thinking is difficult in a world of bullshit. What should we do, cut it right out, right?
But it’s not always so simple. What if others are inside themselves wanting to come out too, and instead you don’t give them the chance. Yet they do the same things. The hurtful things. They act like they don’t care, or whatever, fuck you.
What if you see better qualities inside someone and you don’t want them to go away? Do you write off the small happiness for the larger doses of feeling bad?
It’s hard, you know. Trying to determine if someone is actually a decent person or if your perception is skewed by those encounters. It’s hard enough that I can’t really confront them, at least traditionally, because it takes time to work up the courage in the first place. Hell sometimes it can be difficult to even talk to them. So I try to do it other ways. But nothing seems to work. What do I do then?
I guess I’m losing the point. Anyway. Hatred isn’t productive. I mean we dislike things, and that’s fine. We try to act like we accept people and things, but in reality we just go behind their backs and insult them instead. Or worse, say we’re accepting while *not* being accepting at all.
Sometimes I still act out or do things. Sometimes I still run from my problems or whatever. But I have to change that about myself. Because that self destructive behaviour is what got me into this hole in the first place. Hardly nobody else was willing to stick by me, long run, and give me the chance. Try to pick me up when I screw up or whatever. To them, one or two fuckups was the end of the world.
That’s why I can’t trust people and try to solve my own problems without talking to them or using their points of view very often. That’s why I think the world is fake and words like friendship and love have been destroyed by society to mean far less than they should, in my opinion.
Opinion is another thing too. Have you ever gotten into a fight with someone and they just spew off “Oh it’s my opinion, you’re the one making a big deal!” Well, there’s a difference between a point of view and being a motherfucker. If you’re being a motherfucker, all you’re doing is causing shit.
And since I’m trying to break this mold, I am not accepted by greater society anyways. Which makes me hate it more. Because, lets move into inter-connectivity before I start ranting…
We have a direct line to almost anyone we could ever want to talk to, and we use it to treat each other like shit. What the fuck. What the actual fuck, fellow internet people? What got into you? Could you imagine if things like mail systems or the invention of the letter had the same effect as the internet?
"Dear King Richard, We are thinking of declaring war. ON YOUR FACE. You are an asshole and we hate you. Nobody likes you. You’re gay. Die in a fire. A muslim fire. Of stupid muslims. Saying something about snackbars. Love, Cyprus"
"Dear Cyprus, I don’t care. You’re just words on a parchment. Fuck you. Kthx. Love, Richard"
How ridiculous is this you guys?
Is that our world now? A world of false identity, apathy, greed, where caring is meaningless? Where we use technology to hide behind so we can be awful to each other?
All things are meaningless in a much grander scale, anyway. So why live in bullshit?
I might joke around and shit, and seem like an asshole sometimes or whatever, it’s me, that’s okay. But one thing nobody will ever accuse me of again is being ignorant, or not listening, or not taking into account how that affects them, too.
We’re all people. If you don’t want to give a damn about it, that’s fine. But on the other side, if you care. Maybe too much for your own good. Make sure before you write someone off, you gave them the chance to say that’s not who they really are.