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Sometimes I feel like I’m drifting in space. Millions and millions of miles from anywhere. Traveling a thousand miles a second away from everything I know.

Alone and surrounded by nothing.

I’ve always been drawn to space. I’ve always wanted to go there. Explore. See the universe. So vast and full, yet cold and lonely. Space is like me. A contradiction of sorts. Full of mysteries to be uncovered, as well. Even to me.

Ordered chaos and tumultuous like the core of a star or the gravity well of a black hole, is my life. Constantly having to be reborn. Constantly changing variables. Often for a perceived negative. Rarely positively. I’m a negative thinker. It is after all difficult to think positively when the universe seems to focus on causing the worst in any given situation. Though it’s not always true.

I miss the good things so often. Because I don’t expect them, don’t trust them, don’t see them. Sometimes I can look back and see them, the things I’ve missed but it’s too late.

Infact, for how punctual I’ve always been and how well I accomplish most expectations placed on me, it seems I’m always just too late. Just behind. 

And like a shooting star I fall back to Earth, burning up and being recreated again. Rising like a proverbial phoenix. I’ve done this so many times.

It’s hard to understand that someone who is so private and closed can have such a chaotic life. But between my brains constant working and the worlds constant movement, it’s only logical.

We all have moments. But some people are better coping than others. Life keeps moving, short and unpredictable. Incomparable to ‘who has it worse’ for everyone has their own tolerances, their own views on what is bad. Our own ideals placed upon us by the culture, society, and surrounding individuals that we assimilate and imitate. We are social models based on an experience curve over time. We are molds, unfairly placed upon us by everything we revere. 

It feels so difficult to communicate across the void, and in a way, because I’m impulsive and act while I think instead of after, it is my own doing. Or undoing. Feeling disconnected and far away from the point you’re trying to reach is draining, physically and emotionally. There is no tether to pull yourself back on. No jetpacks or shortcuts. No jump drive or warp drive. The line is sometimes just dead. It doesn’t matter to whom or what you want to communicate to. In my case, it’s many things. All at once.

I’m poor at multitasking. I’m good at doing one thing on instinct while thinking about millions of things. But that’s two things at a time. I can’t do millions of things at a time while thinking about one thing. It doesn’t work.

I don’t do anything slow, and beyond that, I don’t do anything easy. 

Difficulty may be perception based but difficulty is a trial of character. The harder perceived things overcome, the more self-satisfaction is received. It becomes easier to bear oneself when you’re pushed to near breaking over and over and find ways to respect you’re own ability to persevere. 

But sometimes I wish it would slow down. Sometimes I need a break. Look at this writing and see. As ordered as it is. Fluid. I can’t sit and speak like this. Partially due to the problems you know I have but mostly because my brain moves so quickly that I have to force the information to slow down. It’s easier to type words than to speak them. 

In a way I guess I seek it out, the stress in my life. In a way. But not always. I guess in some ways this one-taskedness can be seen as laziness. But besides the narrowminded I’ve never been accused of being lazy. I may do things unorthodox  and not by the book, but they tend to get done quickly, efficiently, and as good as expected. I do not do things that do not require doing and instead prioritize on things that bring some stability to myself rather than meager tasks. This of course is easy to take too far.

It’s easy to miscalculate and fall behind. End up actually being slovenly and sloppy. End up actually lazy. So I give myself structure. In my own ways, for my own things. 

People are all different and quirky. But some people are far more quirky than others.

I chose to understand my own humanity instead of letting society decide for me. Right or wrong, I refuse to conform my choices to an ideal I didn’t create. That doesn’t mean seeds of doubt are not there. Nor does it allow me to expect the positive.

I’m a momentary person. A reactive person. As people with anxiety generally are. Staying too long with certain thoughts is disruptive to health and stability. Sometimes situations are in-conducive to preventing a cascade failure of thoughts and sometimes breakdowns happen.

Like I think I’ve said, when my structure collapses, my machine breaks down.

When the machine breaks down, it takes alot of floating alone in space. Recollecting. Reconnecting. And trying to get a dialtone through an invisible phone line to the other side of the universe. Trying to get the engineering room to refire the engines to get back home.

Sometimes. I just want a wormhole. Sometimes I just need to be heard. But most importantly, sometimes I just need another star to warm me and prove that I’m not alone. 

We’re all stars. We’re all not alone.

Keep shining would be an awfully cheesy way to end this blog :|

for-your-mental-health:

for-your-mental-health's #howtohelpus project. This one's from me (Mod Megan). Translation of my handwriting below:
DO NOT SAY
"happiness is a choice"
"get over it"
"it’s all in your head"
"you’re doing this all for attention"
"if you’re not feeling better, you’re not trying hard enough"
"why can’t you just stop being miserable?"
"stop being so sad all the time
REALIZE THAT
for someone with a mental illness, happiness is not simply a choice - sometimes it’s impossible to attain.
telling someone to get over it is ineffective. It only encourages them to be ashamed of their issues and bottle them up, making them worse.
there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting attention. Everyone wants attention; some like, those struggling with illnesses, NEED attention + help.
SOMETIMES, WE DON’T WANT ADVICE
A lot of advice we get doesn’t work for whatever reason. we are ashamed of this. We are also often jaded when it comes to advice. We fear it will no longer work - that no advice will work. We fear we are trapped because all the “normal” advice didn’t work. 
#HOWTOHELPUS
be gentle. Remember, if you get frustrated, we are not trying to irk you on purpose. 
a lot of people will offer us all the advice that you instinctively want to give. Resist that knee-jerk reaction (we’ve already heard it many times before)
LISTENmore than you talk
Don’t just give advice. Find ways to work together. e.g. Instead of suggesting they exercise, suggest you two take walks together. 
Don’t blame yourself - or them - if they don’t feel better ASAP. That’s the nature of the illness. 
Zoom Info
for-your-mental-health:

for-your-mental-health's #howtohelpus project. This one's from me (Mod Megan). Translation of my handwriting below:
DO NOT SAY
"happiness is a choice"
"get over it"
"it’s all in your head"
"you’re doing this all for attention"
"if you’re not feeling better, you’re not trying hard enough"
"why can’t you just stop being miserable?"
"stop being so sad all the time
REALIZE THAT
for someone with a mental illness, happiness is not simply a choice - sometimes it’s impossible to attain.
telling someone to get over it is ineffective. It only encourages them to be ashamed of their issues and bottle them up, making them worse.
there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting attention. Everyone wants attention; some like, those struggling with illnesses, NEED attention + help.
SOMETIMES, WE DON’T WANT ADVICE
A lot of advice we get doesn’t work for whatever reason. we are ashamed of this. We are also often jaded when it comes to advice. We fear it will no longer work - that no advice will work. We fear we are trapped because all the “normal” advice didn’t work. 
#HOWTOHELPUS
be gentle. Remember, if you get frustrated, we are not trying to irk you on purpose. 
a lot of people will offer us all the advice that you instinctively want to give. Resist that knee-jerk reaction (we’ve already heard it many times before)
LISTENmore than you talk
Don’t just give advice. Find ways to work together. e.g. Instead of suggesting they exercise, suggest you two take walks together. 
Don’t blame yourself - or them - if they don’t feel better ASAP. That’s the nature of the illness. 
Zoom Info
for-your-mental-health:

for-your-mental-health's #howtohelpus project. This one's from me (Mod Megan). Translation of my handwriting below:
DO NOT SAY
"happiness is a choice"
"get over it"
"it’s all in your head"
"you’re doing this all for attention"
"if you’re not feeling better, you’re not trying hard enough"
"why can’t you just stop being miserable?"
"stop being so sad all the time
REALIZE THAT
for someone with a mental illness, happiness is not simply a choice - sometimes it’s impossible to attain.
telling someone to get over it is ineffective. It only encourages them to be ashamed of their issues and bottle them up, making them worse.
there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting attention. Everyone wants attention; some like, those struggling with illnesses, NEED attention + help.
SOMETIMES, WE DON’T WANT ADVICE
A lot of advice we get doesn’t work for whatever reason. we are ashamed of this. We are also often jaded when it comes to advice. We fear it will no longer work - that no advice will work. We fear we are trapped because all the “normal” advice didn’t work. 
#HOWTOHELPUS
be gentle. Remember, if you get frustrated, we are not trying to irk you on purpose. 
a lot of people will offer us all the advice that you instinctively want to give. Resist that knee-jerk reaction (we’ve already heard it many times before)
LISTENmore than you talk
Don’t just give advice. Find ways to work together. e.g. Instead of suggesting they exercise, suggest you two take walks together. 
Don’t blame yourself - or them - if they don’t feel better ASAP. That’s the nature of the illness. 
Zoom Info
for-your-mental-health:

for-your-mental-health's #howtohelpus project. This one's from me (Mod Megan). Translation of my handwriting below:
DO NOT SAY
"happiness is a choice"
"get over it"
"it’s all in your head"
"you’re doing this all for attention"
"if you’re not feeling better, you’re not trying hard enough"
"why can’t you just stop being miserable?"
"stop being so sad all the time
REALIZE THAT
for someone with a mental illness, happiness is not simply a choice - sometimes it’s impossible to attain.
telling someone to get over it is ineffective. It only encourages them to be ashamed of their issues and bottle them up, making them worse.
there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting attention. Everyone wants attention; some like, those struggling with illnesses, NEED attention + help.
SOMETIMES, WE DON’T WANT ADVICE
A lot of advice we get doesn’t work for whatever reason. we are ashamed of this. We are also often jaded when it comes to advice. We fear it will no longer work - that no advice will work. We fear we are trapped because all the “normal” advice didn’t work. 
#HOWTOHELPUS
be gentle. Remember, if you get frustrated, we are not trying to irk you on purpose. 
a lot of people will offer us all the advice that you instinctively want to give. Resist that knee-jerk reaction (we’ve already heard it many times before)
LISTENmore than you talk
Don’t just give advice. Find ways to work together. e.g. Instead of suggesting they exercise, suggest you two take walks together. 
Don’t blame yourself - or them - if they don’t feel better ASAP. That’s the nature of the illness. 
Zoom Info

for-your-mental-health:

for-your-mental-health's #howtohelpus project. This one's from me (Mod Megan). Translation of my handwriting below:

DO NOT SAY

  • "happiness is a choice"
  • "get over it"
  • "it’s all in your head"
  • "you’re doing this all for attention"
  • "if you’re not feeling better, you’re not trying hard enough"
  • "why can’t you just stop being miserable?"
  • "stop being so sad all the time

REALIZE THAT

  • for someone with a mental illness, happiness is not simply a choice - sometimes it’s impossible to attain.
  • telling someone to get over it is ineffective. It only encourages them to be ashamed of their issues and bottle them up, making them worse.
  • there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting attention. Everyone wants attention; some like, those struggling with illnesses, NEED attention + help.

SOMETIMES, WE DON’T WANT ADVICE

  • A lot of advice we get doesn’t work for whatever reason. we are ashamed of this. We are also often jaded when it comes to advice. We fear it will no longer work - that no advice will work. We fear we are trapped because all the “normal” advice didn’t work. 

#HOWTOHELPUS

  • be gentle. Remember, if you get frustrated, we are not trying to irk you on purpose. 
  • a lot of people will offer us all the advice that you instinctively want to give. Resist that knee-jerk reaction (we’ve already heard it many times before)
  • LISTENmore than you talk
  • Don’t just give advice. Find ways to work together. e.g. Instead of suggesting they exercise, suggest you two take walks together. 
  • Don’t blame yourself - or them - if they don’t feel better ASAP. That’s the nature of the illness. 
Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Could you explain what an anxiety attack is like and what someone can do to help the person who is having it?

sassgardiansassemble:

anxietydisorderprobs:

"Anxiety attacks, also known as panic attacks, are episodes of intense panic or fear.” -helpguide.org

They last about ten minutes on average, although they can last up to half an hour. You can feel withdrawn or detached for your environment, like you’re trapped, like you’ve lost control, and/or believe that you’re dying. Some physical symptoms are shaking/trembling, rapid heart rate, trouble breathing, hot flashes or chills and nausea. It can cause urination or vomiting. It’s easy to mistake an anxiety attack for a heart attack. It’s a very intense and difficult experience.

What to do if someone is having an anxiety attack:

  • DO NOT get angry at them. Realize that they are not choosing to have an anxiety attack. Don’t blame them for it or act mad or disappointed at them.
  • This is a really good article on what not to do.
  • Ask them before doing anything. Don’t touch or move them without permission. Asking what they need is probably the most important thing you can do.
  • If they are in a loud, crowded, or public place, it may help to move somewhere quieter and less populated.
  • On the same note, don’t make them feel trapped. Make sure you and anyone else around you aren’t blocking any exits or surrounding them.
  • Often times, just being there with them can help.
  • Speak in a calm, soothing tone. If you panic, they’ll be worse.
  • Doing breathing exercises with them, or encourage them to do repetitive tasks (like repeating a mantra or counting backwards from 10) can slow their breathing and heart rate.
  • Having something like a pillow (nothing sharp or dangerous) to hold against their chest can make some people feel safer.

Note: I don’t have any personal experience with anxiety attacks. If anyone reading this does, I encourage you to reblog and add your comments.

My friends are amazing at calming down during/after panic attacks and have given me some great tips,I’ve also just learned over the years how to get through them myself. I hope these are useful I bet I’ve written one point down at least 3 times c: 

  • getting them to tap something slowly and counting each time they tap,or just counting is a good distraction. 
  • taking constant,little sips of water. My friend says that because you’re taking constant sips,you can’t hyperventilate through your mouth,as you’re using it to drink,so your breathing slows down. I found this one works really well.
  • Asking them to describe the environment around them,like what they can smell,see,hear,taste ect. can distract them.
  • If you’re good friends,try describing a moment you’ve shared together to keep them distracted. Or,imagine and describe  something you have planned,or make up a little story. I like just hearing a friendly voice,it’s nice and calming. 
  • Make sure they don’t focus on their heart rate and focus on their breathing instead. Get them to breathe out longer than they breathe in. 
  • If they’re inside,sometimes it’s nice to take them outside during an anxiety attack,if you can do that, as the air is a lot fresher and usually cooler (though I suppose that depends where you live).
  • If they feel like they’re going to faint,tell them to sit down and keep their head down/between their legs. 
  • Sometimes they might want to be left alone to do their own thing, so don’t force someone to stay anywhere they don’t want,or don’t make them do anything that they don’t want to either.
  • Some people don’t like to be hugged or touched when panicking,though it’s different for everyone. I find that when someone places their hands on my shoulders and breathes slowly,it calms me down slightly and makes me breathe slowly too.
  • A quick escape from the situation is natural and so I usually tend to wonder off,especially to a ‘safe place’. You may find that a person panicking does this. Ask the person if they’d like you to go with them or if they want to be left alone.
  • If you’re where there are lots of people,try to find a quieter place. 
  • I like to go on little walks if I’m panicking or feel like I’m about to panic,idk some other people might like to too.
  • Breathing is the most important thing I find though. If I can breathe through it,I can usually calm myself down relatively quickly. Closing your eyes and deep breaths help more than you’d think. 
  • Reassure them that everything is fine and nothing is going to happen. 
  • The most important thing though is to be supportive. You’ll soon learn what a person does and doesn’t like when they’re experiencing an anxiety/panic attack and if you want to know,just ask. Stay calm yourself. A nice smiley,friendly face can help so much :) 
I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.
Unknown (via psych-facts)
  • Me:

    I have anxiety

  • What most people think I have:

    I'm shy and can't talk to people. I'm awwwwkwaaaard.

  • What I actually mean:

    I have full blown panic attacks which include heart palpitations, breathing problems, shaking, sweating and constant fear that I'm going to die when faced with situations I find uncomfortable.

And so you touch this limit, something happens and you suddenly can go a little bit further. With your mind power, your determination, your instinct, and the experience as well, you can fly very high.
Ayrton Senna

Iridium Flare

An iridium flare, is the reflection back to earth of sunlight from satellite (or space station) solar panels. They are short lived and brilliant points of intense light in the sky. 

And I saw one by chance a few days ago and I thought it would be an appropriate title for this entry.

Because like an iridium flare, I feel like I had something that burned brightly and intensely for a while, but then was lost as it continued its journey. Hopefully to return once to where it was on the next orbit. In this analogy, I am not the satellite, nor am I the sun or the earth. I am the observer on the ground. Powerless and searching only for the moment to come again when everything aligns just right so that I may see it.

I don’t know if I will write any entries over the weekend or the next week. I will be quite busy, as I’ve planned to take a small break and journey to someplace else to clear my head after recent events.

It doesn’t get easier. It just gets more manageable. After all, life went on before then and it will go on after. It’s just the molding, the impression left on me. 

In anycase, I’ll try to update this when I get back. But no promises.

I have started to feel relieved the last couple of days. Relieved that people read and enjoy my blog. Relieved that I have one of the most supportive people in my life helping me to keep sight of what I need to do to better myself.

Relieved that I woke up, and all of the numbers were still as they were before.

And hopeful that everything will turn out okay. Hope, I have lost, for many, many years. 

The important self realizations I have made have broken me and cut my soul deeply. The scars on my arms and my body do not compare to the cuts on my inner self. I started bleeding out, gasping for air. I saw an ugliness in me that I won’t say, I didn’t know was there. But that I suddenly cared about. Woke up to. Of course it wasn’t just the one thing, but that triggered a landslide of things. Realization. Reflection.

I made this blog because someone inspired me to want to break free of the darkness that binds me to myself. To want to share the pocket of happiness they put me in, with everyone. To reach out to people like me. Broken hurting people like me, and try to make sense of my journey through life. Showing them and myself they are not alone.

But I forgot to ACTUALLY INCLUDE myself. As selfish as I was, I didn’t focus on myself. This contradiction might not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me.

I am no use to anyone, I am no good to anyone. If I let these ugly things drive me. I have to improve myself and not just live for small pockets of happiness, but let those small pockets of happiness pull the good out of me. So that I can be good. So that I won’t always be a horrible person.

I have said I was sick of being told I was horrible person or a douchebag, and it’s true. I was. But what did I do about it? I simply carried on. I didn’t give a fuck. That’s not going to change it.

But there are things I do give a fuck about. That I will fight for. Right now, I might have to tie my hands and wait for something to play out as it will but I will not have idle tied hands.

Those hands, like my legs, must keep moving. The moment I stop moving is the moment that I die.

Lots of people have told me they have seen good in me. That they think I’m okay or even great. I don’t feel this way yet. But its time for myself to find it, if it is there. Or build it, if it isn’t.

I am persistent. I will be happy.

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