Birthdays don’t mean alot to me. I’ve never paid mine a great deal of attention. I guess because I come from an environment where nothing is guaranteed and you don’t get anything unearned.
Turning 28 was a personal goal for me, one many people don’t get. But as it is, many celebrity influences on my life died at 27 or younger and I always kind of thought, I would too. I very nearly damn, did.
But this isn’t a milestone year for that alone. It’s a milestone year because at some point, some time, if you lost the person inside you. Your conscience, self worth. If you have literally lost your soul and nature. You’re going to have to get it back. Or yes, indeed, probably die.
You’re going to grow up.
I haven’t lost just celebrity influences on my life, I have traded the influence of people in my life. Slowly building a bank of unfortunate losses until, eventually, it comes crumbling over the edge. Until I finally realized I was hemorrhaging the people who cared about me, believed in me. Had faith in me, supported me. Little by little. Lost time. Lost support. Lost lessons. Lost happiness and Lost Love.
And although it seems unhealthy to dwell, but you know what? I think we all do it from time to time. Sit and dwell on those negative aspects that shaped us, molded us- maybe not all of the time, and ‘all’ is a bit much isn’t it? Who really spends ‘all’ of the time doing anything? But more importantly, and far worse for you, is not using experience to grow.
Nobody know what they’re doing. Nobody has the right answers, and as you mature, and it may take longer or shorter to maybe get it or not. My opinions aren’t SUPPOSED to be your opinions, and still- as you mature you realize. Life isn’t about having all of the answers, Life isn’t just about being “well adjusted” (which I find a ridiculous term, anyway) It’s not about negative emotions and it’s not about love and happiness, no. It’s so much bigger than that. Life is about learning. Life is about experiencing.
It’s not just experiencing and learning and finding out who I wanted to be. It’s so much deeper than that. So much more to the experiences and the learning.
I traded some of the greatest human beings, and some of the best moments on the planet, in the universe, for rediscovery. In a sense, because I had to. In a sense because I was so lost that I didn’t believe in being found. And it’s not god that saved me and it’s not science that saved me, and it’s not common sense that saved me and it’s not, not even myself that saved me.
It was the person I could have been, and that is a truly powerful epiphany. The person I could have been, the person I always was. The person I forgot how to be, but didn’t really, not all the way.
And though I sit here, with my glass of wine, in the dark, with my cat on my lap and alone. Hoping still there was some way I could prove to the people I lost from my life, living and dead. That I could have been everything they wanted me to be if they had just held on a little longer.
But you know what the truth is? I haven’t made it yet. And those lofty beliefs and faiths - maybe I never will.
And as sure as there are still stars in my sky, I will try. Not to be a better person or something so subjective. Not for myself and not even for them- even though I want them to see and recognize. No.
Not for the people still here in my life, or who come into my life whom I love and care for dearly. Who still believe in me. Who still want me. Who still support me. The circle I built and am rebuilding, weeding out the subjective negativity not for a pedestal but because without a cushion, the road of life is incredibly hard.
I’m doing it for the person I failed at becoming, the person I could have been and the person I never really wasn’t.
But am fully not. And may never fully become. So maybe, in the end- they were right and they were wrong but whatever they were, at one point, in that frame of reference. They believed.
One of my favorite songs, for holidays and such things is “Better Days” by the Goo Goo Dolls, and the first few lines are
"And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days
Cause I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days”
I think, I always think, that sums the totality of everything up so beautifully well.
I’m another year older, and another year something. I hope we all find our better days.
I feel nothing…